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Monday, 17 April 2017

HOW TO BE NIGERIAN



Being a Nigerian is a very easy task. WHY? Because Nigerians are pretty easy people to identify in a crowd. So learning how Nigerians act would be easy. Below are a few basic guide on how to be one:

1. ETHNICITY: Make sure you are born into one of the 3 major ethnic groups in Nigeria. If you miss these major 3, you would never be a true Nigerian. Make sure you are a Flatino (Igbo), Afonja(Yoruba) or Mallam(Hausa). If you are from any of this group, you get bragging rights. People from these groups like to attack each other all the time for fun. So,if you are from the minority, your life would be boring as a Nigerian.

2. BE CORRUPT: This is very important. If you must be wealthy in Nigeria, this is one attribute you cannot fail to have.Try as much as possible to cheat someone no matter how little the business is. It is drop by drop that an ocean is made. If you happen to be in high echelons of power, do not get anything done until you are bribed. So in summary, you must be ready to offer and receive bribe. In Nigeria, to attend even a nursery school, your parents have to pay a special fee to secure placement for you. No, it's not bribe, it's a "thank you" note.

3. BE RELIGIOUS: You need to be overly religious to pass off as a Nigerian. You are either a Christian or a Muslim. Then again, you have the minority, African Traditional Religion Practitioners. You need to judge your neighbor so much that it hurts because you can't make heaven without judging someone.  The more persons you condemn to hell,the greater the number of accommodation for members of your family. Do not say I didn't warn you. Judge as many as you can so your 4th generation can have space in heaven and you will become the much coveted gate keeper in heaven.

4. DO NOT OBEY TRAFFIC RULES: You see Nigerians are cats. They have got 9 lives. To transform into a full-blooded Nigerian, when you are driving, pay no attention to traffic signs. Drive as if you are playing the PlayStation Need for Speed. If you are driving a big truck,please crush all those tiny cars competing for the road with you. Someone needs to school them on manners.And, of course, it must be you, Nigerian. To be a Nigerian fully, you must realize that official rules and regulations serve little or no purpose. It is merely a decoration.

5. BE STREET-WISE: Ah! Only if you know what this means. Oh! You are learning to be Nigerian. Well, let me teach you. You see if you are walking on the road, and someone's wallet fall off, please be fast enough to pick it and hide it away. It is God providing your daily meal. If you like become Miss Goody-Goody and return it. The day your own will fall off, best you kiss it bye. If you happen to see a lost phone, pick it up and remove the SIM card. Then fling the SIM card into a nearby river.

SIDE NOTE: These are the basic things. Don't worry, Start practicing these few. With time , you will marvel at how Nigerian you have become. Practice at your own risk.


TO BE NIGERIAN IS TO BE OPTIMISTIC.

3 comments:

  1. Lwkmd!!! These are bad teachings o buh they're true. I stand for what is right, I stand for Naija...

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  2. Nice piece, but Naija ain't that bad na

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  3. Lol,u didn't mention having a hand fan with you at night.

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